“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:19-21
There’s something about the idea of ‘home’ that we find so comforting.
For some of us, ‘home’ is the place where we grew up, the specific house we grew up in, our nation of origin. For others, home is found when we are surrounded by the people who love us well, who make us feel like we belong. For a lot of us, the idea of home tends to be the things in our life that have been most constant, are the most familiar, and make us feel comfortable. It’s a place we go for refuge or when we’re feeling stressed; a place we retreat to when we get too far from our comfort zone.
But what happens when you find out that your idea of home has been completely shattered by the awareness that it’s actually not a place or a person, but a state of mind – one that is so shakeable, so evolveable, and not really constant at all?
When I left for Peru, I was so excited to get away from my ‘home’. I was so tired of the consistency of the system we know so, so well: go to school to get a job -> get a job to make money -> make money to pay bills -> pay bills to live, but work so much to pay all your bills that you actually have no time to live, end up working 80% of your life in a job that brings absolutely no satisfaction just so you can go home to worry about all of the things you have no time to do --- and just waiting for that vacation to come around so you can spend two weeks dreading your return to the very same thing.
The problem with that system, is that it literally makes no sense. And while I was gone, I ran into so. many. people who are realizing the same thing and choosing to free themselves from it. But then, the new system becomes escape for as long as humanly possible from responsibility, and then return to work just as long as you need to, just to escape again.
The first month or so I was gone, all I wanted was to come home. The food was different, the living situation (being around people aaaaaaall the time) was different, the culture and language was different, and all I wanted was to be back in the familiar. And the sights didn’t help: being at the top of a mountain that I’ve just climbed, wishing I could hold onto the feeling of being there, wishing I could hold the picture and feeling of the absolute majesty of a place…and knowing that the moment I left, all I would have were photos that really only captured a tiny fragment of the memory – isn’t that what they’re for?
Once I had my meltdown somewhere in the middle of my trip, something must have shifted because I became a lot more free and positive-minded – I think I just started to focus on being a lot more grateful for where I was at. Instead of spending each moment waiting for the next one, I started trying to live in the moment I was in the middle of, and make the most of it…which seems simple, but is actually pretty tedious when you have a future-oriented mindset. What is cool is that towards the end of my trip, all the things I had PRACTICED being grateful for had started to become things I was actually SO grateful for – like those things became my home, my default. I don’t mean things like actual ‘things’, but people, culture, language, lifestyle. For sure, it helps that I was there so long, and maybe that’s a big part of why I started to feel at home there – I know adjustment is a thing, it takes a while to get comfortable anywhere. But somewhere in there, my mindset definitely changed.
How do I know?
The reverse culture shock of coming home. When I came home from Mexico BOTH times, I was so angry. Angry at people here for taking everything for granted while people around the world suffer; angry at the ignorance; angry at the culture, the lifestyle, and angry about my powerlessness to change anything about it. When I finally started to settle into the lifestyle in Peru, I was afraid it was going to be the same thing – I was going to come home and just be miserable with people, ripe with condemnation and judgment and all of the things I have no right to be! Only, something else happened that I’ve actually never felt before. Instead of being mad, I felt determined…kind of like I understood the root of where people were coming from. And where I look into the rearview mirror and see all of the things I loved and miss about Peru, I also remind myself to remember the tough spots where I had to practice being grateful and living in the moment in front of me instead of looking forward or back.
Peru wasn’t a break for me. When people ask me about my stories (and I have plenty), it’s not really any different than telling the bazillion stories I have about my life, filled with little miracles, big miracles, CRAZY miracles…
I love telling people stories about the bugs. I wasn’t sure why, but I think I figured it out a little bit:
In the jungle, people LOVE the wildlife. They want to see monkeys, and sloths, and big fish, and big elusive birds, and dolphins – and they’re awesome. The problem is, when people don’t see them because they are actually out of our control (hence wild), they get frustrated. Animals are a lot more elusive, because humans can be a little reckless and they have every reason to fear us. So, to make people happy, there are opportunists who go into the forests and capture wild animals and tame them, to make the tourists happy. But anyone looking at these animals closely can tell they’re unhappy, unhealthy, they don’t behave like they do in the wild, and the experience is ultimately completely fake. But it doesn’t matter, because people value predictability versus legitimacy, so if a poor animal has to suffer just so they can say they’ve seen one in their lifetime, that’s fine.
But think about how much more AWESOME it would be to see the same animal in the wild? I’ve seen monkeys in my life, but to have a wild-in-the-jungle monkey come down from the trees onto our boat, act completely like he owns the place…that’s something that was totally unpredictable, and will probably never happen to me again. But it was completely fluke, unpredictable, and if I went into every experience expecting that, I’d probably have more disappointments in my life than excitement.
But what about the tinier things? Take ants, for instance. I love ants, I’m fascinated by them; I think they’re my favorite insects. Sure, I don’t want them crawling all over me, but I have complete respect for them. Even in the Bible, it says to consider the way of an ant. They work SO hard, all the time, always together. They work in a team, they can carry incredibly large loads for their size, and there are sooooo many kinds of them. I grew up having an ant farm, and it was the coolest! For hours I could sit and watch these tiny creatures dig tunnels by moving one piece of sand at a time. They would create labyrinths within labyrinths in just hours, and it was awesome! These miraculous little insects go unnoticed most of the time though…I mean, when I tell people I literally sat and watched a line of leafcutter ants carrying pieces of leaves from one place to the other for about 20 minutes while taking pictures, people look at me a little funny.
And my favorite story to tell people about the Amazon is about the speckled leafhopper bug with the wax feathers (which I’ve told before in this blog so I’ll refrain from doing it again)! Just a small sap-sucking bug, but so UNIQUE, designed specifically so it can survive and thrive in its environment. Cool just by existing!
I know I’m ranting about bugs and it probably doesn’t make sense, so let me make the connection: if we changed our mindset so that instead of just expecting the big things, we took time to consider and be grateful for the smaller things – the things that constantly surround us, that we don’t take a lot of time to notice – I think our hearts would find being grateful a little easier. I heard in a sermon once that we thank God for big things that happen but we forget to thank Him for the small things He gives us every day. He used the example that the fact that people who have eyes and can see, but never think to thank God for their eyesight, so they wait until God answers a big impossible prayer to thank Him.
The last three sermons I’ve heard (the last one in Peru, the first one here at home, and the first one I podcasted) have been about walking by faith, and how we need to start living like people who actually believe in Jesus if we want to walk in His footsteps. It’s a tough how-to. How do we just decide to fully believe that something that has never happened before will happen?
I think it starts small. If we started to pay attention to the bazillion little miracles He does in our lives every day, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to believe Him for the big things. And then if the big things don’t happen, maybe we would be less compelled to hang our faith in Him on those big things, because maybe the big thing didn’t happen, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that the million small things are still happening – it doesn’t make God dead when someone you’ve been praying for doesn’t get healed, or when someone you’ve been praying for hasn’t been saved yet, or any number of big miraculous things. Something I’ve noticed about the big miracles I’ve seen, is that when they happen I really don’t see it coming. Like seeing a wild animal in the vast jungle, it’s unpredictable…but that’s kind of what makes it super exciting!
Yesterday, I was feeling kind of nostalgic and sad about everything I’ve left behind in Peru, so I went for a drive. And the moment I got in my car I felt a huge wave of gratitude that I can actually drive now. And then I got a wave of gratitude that my car actually works well and I don’t have to worry it’s going to blow up at any moment. And as soon as I started driving, I got another wave of gratitude that in my small town, rush hour is like 3 vehicles stuck at the lights (little different than Lima). In about a minute, I was in the country, where no one is behind you or in front of you, you can cruise with the windows down, it was sunny and beautiful outside, the fields are super green, when you get to the top of a hill you can see for MILES…it’s amazing. And I stopped on the side of a dirt road to take pictures of a field. A field that I’ve probably seen a thousand times (working in agriculture), but rarely felt the need to capture it. Getting to spend time with my family, my church family, my friends that are AMAZING even when things get a little complicated and crazy, and then yes, the fact that I can see, walk, use both of my hands, live with not just a roof over my head, but a big house with a yard that so many people don’t have.
I’m SO blessed, with a million miracles to thank God for everyday – we all are – it’s just that sometimes, we focus so much on the things we don’t have that we forget what we’ve got in front of us. Which is crazy, because that’s exactly how the devil tempted Jesus in the wilderness…when Jesus was wandering in the wilderness the devil told Him if he would worship him instead of God, he would give Jesus everything He lacked. And when Jesus responded, He told the devil that He already had everything He needed, and He would worship God for that.
I’ve been so guilty of that in the past. I’ve been so future-focused that I looked forward to adventures, due dates, changes, next-steps, and it made me miserable in my moments, just waiting for them to pass. We all have those; we want our wedding day, our graduation day, our birthday, Christmas – but when that day comes and goes, it’s just gone, and God forbid it not be as spectacular as you planned for or hoped for, because then you’ve wasted so much time that it just destroys everything. I think it’s good to have dreams and hopes for the future, and planning is necessary sometimes, but when we (I) become so obsessed with it that it becomes our (my) focus, we kind of set ourselves up for disappointment, and that’s when I get mad at God.
The big things are important, but the small things are the things that make up a life. I think that’s why I would never change my degree even if I never use it for a career. To be able to see the tiny molecules and processes that make up our bodies that are actually freaking miraculous is a mega-blessing; to know that we can only live because a bunch of tiny molecules do what they are supposed to do….wow.
That’s why I think ‘home’ is more of a momentary thing. If our hearts can be grateful in each moment to the point where we can belong in each one, we won’t have to constantly feel like we lack something or wish we were somewhere else in time, or in the world. Then maybe our jobs won’t totally suck even if we don’t particularly enjoy our task, and our relationships won’t sputter out even when things get a little dry or complicated. Then, maybe we’ll be able to harness gratitude so that it becomes a default, we’ll stop picking on ourselves for all the things we’re not and start loving ourselves for who we are, and be able to legitimately love people around the world without being worried that we aren’t giving enough, or that we’re giving too much. So much change from such a tiny thing…
Anyways, that’s my rant for the week. Maybe thank God today for something you’ve never thought to thank Him for, even something that seems so small and insignificant it seems like it wouldn’t matter. For example, I have a pair of scissors sitting next to me, it seems like a stupid thing to be thankful for – unless you’ve ever been in the situation where you’re preparing to wrap Christmas gifts and you literally can’t find a single pair, so you have to rip it yourself and it looks AWFUL. And I’m sure there are other more-important applications too, but that’s just the one I picked.
Have an incredible week friends!
Love you!
-B. <3