"Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will." - A.W. Tozer
So, I haven't written in awhile. Not like I haven't had anything to say, because Lord knows I never run out of things to chatter on about...I think it has more to do with the fact that I've been slowly processing a LOT of things, with a lot of confusion and questions and uncertainty.
My life has changed, a LOT. I knew when I got back that it would (that was kind of the point) but I didn't really anticipate the challenges I would face with my aversion to change. I tend to constantly forget in my anticipation and excitement of change that I actually hate it, and in all my excitement for the 'unknown' I forget that I actually hate flying blind haha. So I've been dealing with that.
How is everything different? Well, start with the fact that I'm now working minimum wage. Maybe that doesn't sound like such a terrible thing, but it totally goes against the way I was raised. I grew up believing that minimum wage jobs were 'transitional'; places that people worked while they were in school, or between big things, or working their way up to something. And yes, that's kind of what I'm doing, but not really. I went from believing that minimum wage was for people who couldn't get anything better - and now here I am, having given up my high-paying, high-status, high-profile job for a couple of jobs that leave me struggling to pay my bills and leave me feeling a little lower on the social ladder.
That paragraph probably sounds SO ignorant - and it is, but that's what I grew up believing. And when I tell people I'm serving what I used to do, what I went to school for, and they ask me why I do what I do now, they ask me what I'm doing with my life. So I tell them my hopes and dreams, and they tell me I'm inspirational by the way I live my life --but I don't really feel that. Couple my transition to becoming one who literally just serves for a living with the fact that I'm currently technically homeless, sleeping on an incredible friend's couch, using another incredible friend's place to do my painting, and treating my parents' house basically as a storage closet. My only real asset in my whole life is my car - but when you factor in all of my debt, that doesn't amount to much either.
Basically, looking at it from my teenage self's point-of-view, I've literally turned into a failure: a 27-year old nobody with no career, no relationship, no home, and less than no money.
So, when the Bible says we should be fools for Christ...I get it. To even me, I look like an IDIOT. When I get home and look at my bills vs. my bank account I literally have to have an hour conversation with God about it so He can remind me I'm not a complete loser, because I absolutely feel like it.
But you know what He tells me that brings me so much peace?
He starts by asking me what I have. And I usually have to think a little bit through the mass pity-party that's going on inside of me to get to it, but when I do, the list is ENDLESS and I can ramble on for hours just listing the things I have that I can be grateful for.
And at the end of that, I get a picture of Jesus in his life, and verses of scripture. Jesus coming into the world as a King but working as a carpenter. Jesus giving up his job and livelihood to wander and love people on the road. Jesus not having a home, and calling people into the wilderness to follow him, knowing that "birds have nests and foxes have holes but the son of man has nowhere to lay his head".
And then He reminds me about the opportunities that this new life has afforded me: less money maybe, but I have TIME. I get to have meetings and coffees and volunteer and work on my own things that I never had time of energy for before; building curriculum for art classes I want to teach, planning for sessions that I actually GET to teach, totally by the grace of God, that I wasn't even looking for or expecting. And then when I AM at work, I have so much more love for what I'm doing. I love the work, I LOVE the people. I love that I get to serve people, and be part of making their day. I love that I get to just be me while I work, and go home at the end of the day having accomplished something - not just for the money but for the Kingdom :)
The Kingdom of Heaven is such a funny place: everything upside down, where things that factually shouldn't make sense make the MOST sense. It doesn't make sense.
Basically, my life as I knew it is actually 100% GONE, and the one I live now is actually 100% new - so if you're ever wondering if He can actually mean it when He says He will make you new....it's a thing. Reading it now, it sounds super inspiring 'Hey guys I'm walking in Jesus' footsteps!'...but it's actually not all fun. For sure, I have so much gratitude and my heart has moments where it explodes with praise. But a lot of the time, it's exhausting too - because the battle against the things I want to want is still going on. I still want my reputation; people to know me; to have money and go shopping and be comfortable. I still have the urge to be selfish and live for #1, and I don't know if those will ever go away - I hope they will. It's so hard to see that He's changing my life because I still feel the same that I used to a lot of the time, like I'm not good enough.
Sometimes when I'm reading the Bible I judge the disciples for forgetting who Jesus is while He's standing right in front of them. But recently I've been convicted by the fact that things I've literally written on my arm (tattoos) to remind me of important things, and I literally forget that they're there. I see them everyday, but it's like it just doesn't register.
Example: On my left wrist is written 'Belonging to the LORD' - from Isaiah 44, to remind me that I belong to Him. I literally forget that it's there, even though I see it everyday. How ridiculous is that?! Or my other wrist, where I put a golgi body to symbolize the continual process that I'm in, in an effort to remind myself not to beat myself up too much. Someone asked me the other day what was on my wrist and pointed to it and I actually had forgotten it was there. I had to ask what He was talking about.
It makes me feel like the disciples probably went through the same thing. They saw the guy doing miracles everyday, and yet they still somehow forgot He was the Son of God and had authority to do literally anything.
I wish I didn't forget. I wish I could somehow command my mind to remember what God has said and what He's shown me and what He's doing, so I wouldn't lose heart so much. Maybe then I'd spend more time doing incredible things in His name. But then, I think I'm in exactly the place where He wants me. I forget a lot, and I doubt a lot, but when I do I run to Him and ask Him to feed me the truth. And I learn a LOT that way. And if Jesus himself had to withdraw from the crowds to go and be alone with God then how much more should I need that! I don't know.
Basically, right now, I'm so uncomfortable - but I'm choosing to say that it's so Good, because it's a life that is requiring me to seriously rely on Jesus for provision, reassurance, and direction...and I think that's exactly where I always wanted to be. I'm uncertain about EVERYTHING, except one thing: that He's good, and He's for me.... or I guess that's two things.
Hope you're all doing fabulously well :)
Love you!
-B. <3