Backstepping

As I usually start these entries with a quote, I went searching for quotes relating to growth. The one that caught my eye stated that "You either step forward into growth or step backward into safety"(quoted by Abraham Maslow).

I think he's wrong. Actually, I've learned that it's wrong. I don't know him personally, or the context associated with the quote so I'm not meaning to dismantle it or defame the guy - I'm sure he had explanation for the statement he made.

The problem that I've encountered in myself and in our society is exactly that presumption: that if we're not going forward, we're going backwards or standing still, and both of those are no good. We always want to be growing and learning...but what if learning means going backward?

While I was painting one day, I was playing around. I've learned that I do my best work when I'm just playing - with no set goal, no expectations of a finished product, and just a clear mind. By just messing around with some paint on a knife, or squeezing an almost empty tube to get some random splatters, or using a brush that's just a little too wet and ending up with a watercolor effect, I have the most fun and am always more happy with the finished product than when I'm pursuing a set image in my mind. That said, a lot of times when I start by just playing around, I actually get ideas of what I want to paint, or build. One day, I was playing with some watercolor when I decided to paint a waterfall. The rest of the canvas was blank, so it was just a watery waterfall on a white, blank space. But I loved it! It was exactly what I wanted it to look like - on it's own.

The problem: there was no background. In order for the painting to be finished, it needed a background...but in order to do a background I would either have to paint OVER the waterfall I wasn't sure I'd be able to re-create, or paint around it. Obviously, because I doubt my own ability I would prefer to paint around it, except for one more thing: black paint underneath the waterfall gives it depth, dimension, and enhances the richness of the painting all together, so without painting over it, the waterfall remains pretty, exactly what I intended...but it also remains flat. I didn't want to paint over it, go backwards, start over in a way; I wanted to move FORWARD. So I decided if I couldn't do it the way I wanted I would just leave it.

So the painting sat, unfinished, for weeks - a constant reminder of the pride and doubt and fear that I held in actually moving it forward...until one day I just bit the bullet and decided if it was never going to be finished unless I covered it over, I would just paint over it - so I did. I painted over it, the whole waterfall erased. Essentially, I was starting over.

Within 20 minutes, I had a background: a sky, rocky mountains, ledges over which the falls would fall. In just 20 minutes, the whole picture suddenly had context, something for the objective of the painting to rest on as a foundation. The wonderful part is that I actually loved the background, and I was so, SO happy with how it turned out, and even though I hadn't put the waterfall on the picture yet, I knew that when I did, it would be even better than before - because the setup was there.

I know I'm being super metaphorical. Maybe that's crazy, and too far of a stretch - but it taught me a lot. There are so many parts of my life that have been impeded by a fear of stepping backwards in order to go forward in a different direction. For example, quitting my job. For another example, making minimum wage for the first time since I was 12. For ANOTHER example, starting over from scratch with nowhere to live, near-negative prospects for a boyfriend, learning something totally new. And I'm 27, not that that's old, but I've been told by a good few that your 30's are supposed to be when you start to settle and get established, and I'm not even close to that.

Quitting my job was the best thing that I ever did. In my life, I've always wanted to start over, start fresh, and live radically - but I was always too afraid to go back to square one that I hesitated for so long! I don't have regrets about waiting, because I learned a lot in that time. I'm just grateful that it wasn't longer! In the last 3 months, I've developed a lifestyle that is so ME. Besides the living like a vagabond (basically in my car) which ends at the end of the month (...YAY!), I go to my job, that I love, that keeps me busy, that allows me to interact with all kinds of people and make friends and connections and constantly learn and grow. I get mornings off so that I can thoroughly enjoy my cup of Starbucks (since my Amazon coffee is gone) and spend time with Jesus. I get the odd evenings off that I can spend doing things with people whose company I really enjoy, and I have a schedule that I can manipulate if I need to plan to teach classes. I have downtime galore to actually plan and begin putting together stuff for a business that I've been dreaming of building for the past 7 years or so (I HAVE BUSINESS CARDS! YAY!), and I get to teach classes in the meantime, with the freedom to run them as I like. I have support up the whazoo from friends and family who help me IMMENSELY in countless ways, and I get to live by faith, seeing how fast and how smoothly a dream can come together when you just let Him guide it in His way, in His timing.

...But none of it would have been possible if I hadn't to first step backward away from all of the things that were holding me back. That's why I think that quote "You either step forward into growth or backward into safety" is incorrect. I think often when you find yourself stuck or standing still, it's because we know that what lies before us isn't working but are too afraid to step back, because it means that you're leaving something you know is good for the prospect of something that might not work out, or be what you expect. Stepping back does NOT mean we're going backwards. You'll never be able to go back to who you used to be, or go back to what used to be your life - because you've learned so much since then, and even if you end up in the same situation, you will find that your outlook on it/attitude towards it will have drastically changed. And: Stepping back is NOT safe. There is nothing safe about stepping backwards so that you can move forward in a life that is unknown when you already know that the life you're currently living is safe. That perspective is SO broken. Forward doesn't always mean growth, and backward doesn't always mean safety. The only time we need to be concerned is when we're standing still - not because standing still is bad, but because it means we're at a fork in the road. It's okay to stop at the fork and consider your options, but you have to choose.

Moving is what's important. So whatever this life is throwing at you, don't be afraid if you need to change directions. Commitment is something our culture has issues with, because we don't trust our ability to make a right decision. But that's kind of the point: if there was a right decision and a wrong decision, it would be a lot clearer. There are commandments for that; Should I commit murder? Probably not. Should I devote all my attention and resources to a dude, or a job, or a thing in my life? Well, "You shalt have no gods before [God]"- so no. All the life-or-death decisions have been laid out in the Bible...and the rest is up to you! Should you date this person or that one? Choose this job or that? Serve in this ministry or that one? That's where God has given us a BRAIN, and the free will to choose which we enjoy better. Which job are you more passionate about, gives you life, brings you energy, makes you grateful? 'But it doesn't pay enough'. Well I have news for you: I'm making minimum wage and I always have more than enough. For rent, insurance, student loans, and I pay for people's meals and give to the homeless when they ask and give in church and eat out at restaurants and see movies. I'm not wasteful (most of the time), but I have what I need. So don't make a decision based on the money alone. We don't have to be afraid of decisions. As long as you're willing to commit to the decision you've chosen and blaze onward in the confidence that He can use all things for good, you'll always win. It might not go the way you expect, or end up the way you thought it would, but He knows the desires of your heart and won't let you be disappointed when His life for you is the version you're chasing.

Own it. Live your life for more than just the American dream - the Hollywood fairy tale life might inspire in a 2 hour movie...but after 2 hours, the movie is over...So forget the 'norm', the way things are supposed to happen, the way things have always been done, because it's your story!

Love you guys,

-B. <3