"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and life abundantly."
-Jesus (in John 10:10)
Two years ago, a student at the University of Alberta took his own life. It was publicized, sent around Facebook. He had seemed to be a happy person, with many friends, a bright future - but he ended it. Why? No one really knew. I'm sure a lot of theories went around, but in the end, he left with the only true answer buried inside of his heart. There have been many other similar stories since then.
A couple of years ago, I was talking with my mother about my siblings, and she was worried one of them might be depressed, how horrible that would be. When I told her that I was as well, she looked at me like I was crazy - because I have always been outspoken, able to make fast friends, seemingly strong and confident, how could I be depressed?
Here's a truth about depression. The voice that tells you that you aren't good enough, it speaks to ALL of us. It knows our deepest weaknesses, our biggest regrets, the skeletons in our closet...and it hates us. Some of us try to deal with that voice by trying to prove it wrong any way that we can, by surrounding ourselves with as many people as possible, doing as many good deeds as we possibly can manage, walking around spouting pride and arrogance....some of us turn to physical comforts like food, or sex, or alcohol and drugs, and others seek success as a measure of their worth.
Worth.
Think about it for a second. If you saw someone trying to destroy the same point of a building over and over again, you would logically conclude that the one point must be incredibly important. So likewise, the fact that our enemy attacks our worth more than anything else should tell us how important it really is.
What are you worth? Think about it honestly. The fact is, a lot of us don't think very well of ourselves. We know that the things we do are good, and the people around us tell us we're good, but when we're alone and in the silence, that voice pretty much sums up our feelings towards ourselves. We don't like to admit it or talk about it, but we know how broken we are. And since no one knows our past, our hearts, or the way we think about things, we feel like even if we told someone about it they wouldn't understand.
I went to a psychologist once, a few years ago. Only once. She asked me a lot of questions about my past, I told her about a lot of the things that happened to me growing up. And I hated her response: She just kept telling me how sad my life was, how much I must be hurting, how alone I must feel - but I didn't agree with any of those things. I kept telling her how I had healed, how I had dealt with all of it, how it made me stronger, how I accepted it all and moved on, and I believed those things. I didn't like the fact that she assumed I was some shattered, lonely soul that couldn't manage my own life...after all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
Here's the truth though: all of the things that ever happened to me, they never were the things that brought me down. Blame it on my upbringing, my positive outlook, whatever else there is, I don't know - but it wasn't the things that happened that haunt me, it was and has always been that horrible voice. The one that, when I'm writing tells me, "no one cares what you have to say, they're too busy, everyone has an opinion, and you don't have a sphere of influence anyways." Or, when I'm encouraging someone, the voice that tells me that it's useless, that I'm nosey and wrong and making assumptions about their life and that I have no right to do that. But probably the worst is when I'm actively reaching out, and people are too busy to reach back, and that voice gets loud telling me that I'm alone, that no one would care if I left, that if I did it would show them, then maybe they would listen, or care, or have a thought about me.
Oh, the fantasies I've had about ending my own life! Sometimes it comes when I'm already feeling sad or rejected, or sometimes it comes randomly as just a casual suggestion. There's one I have often while I'm driving, where I envision myself purposely driving into a telephone pole, with my car wrapped completely around it. There's one I've had where I've been completely obsessed with the thought that I had a dozen knives in the next room (my kitchen), and that any one of them would be sufficient, and I can actually envision myself using them. Just last night actually, I envisioned myself slitting my wrists. Let me be clear: I don't like these thoughts or pictures, and they're absolutely NOT welcome; I'm always aware of the fact that they make no sense, that I would NEVER do that, and I'm completely aware of the fact that everything the enemy spouts at me is a lie, and that I have a community of incredible people that support me. But all of that knowledge doesn't stop him from trying, and it doesn't stop the accusations and horrifying thoughts and images from giving me pain. Heck, I remember when I got the images of using the knives from my kitchen, I collapsed on the floor weeping uncontrollably - knowing full well I wouldn't do it, but being so consumed with the grief of having those thoughts. Why? "because you're alone". And it's not even true! I knew it wasn't true, but the words still hurt, and since my biggest, deepest, most consuming fear is that there's something wrong with me that keeps people away, it totally takes me down. See, the enemy doesn't care if we know the truth, he doesn't care if we are strong, or weak, or successful, or isolated, or outspoken - he hates all of us. He doesn't care if we believe the lie or not, he knows how to wear us out and kick us when we're down. He preys on insecurity - and since we all have them, he doesn't have a very hard time of it.
So what do we do?
We fight fear with Love - the real kind; not the kind that is romantic and self-gratifying and lustful, but the kind that is patient, and kind, and never-failing. We need to speak out against the lies that are being told - because he's speaking the same ones to all of us: "you're selfish", "you're not good enough", "you're not smart enough", "you're not attractive enough"...the list is literally endless.
Identify the Lie
First, the only way to defeat an enemy is to know their means of attack. The devil lies, so we need to be able to identify what is a lie. He speaks in absolutes, and it's ALWAYS an accusation. "You are..." or "You are not...". First he'll make an accusation, and then he'll remind you of all the times it's been true - he'll provide evidence to support the accusation. "Remember the time when [insert circumstance]? You weren't good enough then either". And after he provides evidence, the lies will start to cascade and amplify:
"Your friend doesn't have time for you."
"No one has time for you"
"You're not important enough to waste time on"
"You're a waste of time"
"You should end it, then you wouldn't be a waste of time anymore "
And if you let it get to the end, he will even give you a bunch of ideas on how to do it best (how helpful of him!). Maybe, if he can get you to blame someone else, he'll convince you to make it a spectacle. Or maybe if he knows you love the people around you, he'll give you ideas to make sure you're being 'considerate' of the people who will find you and have to clean it up.
And another way you can figure out if it's a lie: it will always be short-sighted, based on only the past and present circumstances, with nothing but projections of your past and present on your future. It makes the future look bleak, easier to throw away or give up on - because the greatest pain in the universe is not actual pain, but the anticipation of pain. If he can get you to anticipate that your current pain will continue into the future, he can convince you to act based on that assumption.
Things aren't always easy, and some things are really, really painful. And I absolutely know what it's like to wake up in the morning with no hope and assume that it isn't going to get any better. But the truth is that it does. It might not be today, or tomorrow, or next week, and there's nothing wrong with feeling it. Emotions are natural, designed to give us insight into how we are being affected by the world. But we do get to choose our response. There are some days when it's hard to get out of bed. There are days when I let me phone ring without answering it all day because I don't want to deal with it. There are days when all I want to do is cry, hide, be numb and just cease to exist - but there are also incredible days. If anybody ever reads my journals they'll get to see how bipolar my life is - one day I will be praising and rejoicing and positive and happy, and the next I am fighting the opposite. Sometimes there's reason, sometimes there isn't. But reading through it reminds me that even when I feel my worst, it gets better. There's a good day, a good thing - the small miracles that lead to the big miracles.
There are so many people I've known who have tried to take their lives when their lives were pretty rough - and because they didn't, believe it or not they are actually some of the most encouraging people in the world to me. They fought back when they didn't feel like fighting, and they trusted, and because of their faith, they lived to become wonderful people who know the importance of reaching out. They inspire me SO much.
Fight Back
I talked with a pastor once about the lie cascade and how to stop it, and he gave me some pretty good advice. He said to stop the cascade before it's allowed to amplify. Identify the first statement as a lie, and stop it in its tracks before a second one can be told. If you've fought with that, I don't have to tell you how hard that is, especially when you're already feeling low. You have to really explore who you are and know with your whole heart that you are loved, and that you are important, and that you are wonderfully unique.
I have a lot of friends that don't believe in Jesus and have respect for my faith, but believe that God is more of an idea and as long as we all just love each other, the details don't really matter. I don't usually speak out against that, but I'm going to:
God is the only reason I am still here. To say that He doesn't exist is to say that the voice is right: that I am alone, that I am NOT uniquely designed with a plan, that every single one of us with negative thoughts suffers from a simple brain-chemical imbalance that is curable only by medications that cause nasty side effects, and that there is no meaning to our suffering.
If that is true, there IS no way to fight back against the accusing, condemning voice - because it's all in your head. But if God is real, and Jesus, by giving His life on a cross, won the battle against the devil by rolling away the stone and ascending to heaven, we have every hope. We have a whole book of truth to use against that voice to stop the lies in their tracks. "The sword of the Spirit" is the word of God, and we take it up to fight not only our battles against the enemy, but others' battles as well. If we know that God dreamed about every single one of us before he created us, that he knew the world wouldn't be the same without us, that he made us with all of our quirks and passions and desires...we can stop the lies before they get too far.
That's what Jesus did in Luke 4. After he was baptized, the Spirit took him into the wilderness. The devil actually waited to bother him until he was hungry from fasting, tired from wandering, and desperate - in true devil fashion. Then, the devil questioned his identity, just like he did to Eve in the garden of Eden: "Are you really the son of God? Because if you were, you could just make yourself bread out of these rocks"(paraphrased). And Jesus could have been like "Stones, become bread!" and been like "see, I AM the son of God, you lose."But He didn't. He didn't even engage in conversation, he just came back at the devil with the truth that He knew, that God would provide what he needed, he didn't have anything to prove because he knew who He was based on what GOD said. And the same thing happened the next two times. The devil came back at him with a new question about Jesus' identity "Are you really the son of God? because if you were, You could just throw yourself off this cliff and nothing would happen to you, because God said He would protect you if you were one that He loved..."(paraphrased again). But Jesus didn't budge. In fact, his response doesn't even make sense in the context of a conversation. He answered an accusation with "I don't have to prove anything to you, or test the Lord my God, because I know who I am". And after the third time Jesus refused to play, the devil fled. FLED.
"Resist the devil and he will flee from you" (James 4:7)
But resisting the devil isn't the same as playing his game and debating. Jesus never debated with the devil, he just refused to play. He didn't ignore the enemy, He just looked him in the face and declared who He was, who God is, and left it at that. The enemy can't argue with that, because there's no room.
So how does that look in an actual situation?
Enemy attempt #1: "You're friend doesn't have time for you"
Me: "I am a child of God."
Enemy attempt #2: "There must be something wrong with you, you can't keep anybody around"
Me: "God says: 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I set you apart' (in Jeremiah 1) He made me, therefore I am."
He can't fight that. And when he can't fight you, he can give you all the images and suggestions he wants, but when you declare to him who you are, who God is, and that you're not going to play - he will flee. He'll come back for more later, just like Luke 4:13 : "Once the devil had finished his tempting, he left [Jesus] until an opportune time." He waits for us to be low, because he knows that's when it will be the hardest to resist him. But if we practice, if we get to know who we are in Christ, what God says about us, then when we're struggling and the annoying voice comes back we don't have to have strength in order to resist him - it's just a truth that we know. And then, even if we enter into his game and end up at the end with the suicidal visions and suggestions, we can rely on the truth that we know to prevent us from losing the battle.
Sometimes, I agree with him. Sometimes when I'm feeling really, really sad and confused I will pray for forgiveness because I actually agree with the notion that I'm alone. I agree with that fact sometimes that it might be easier if I let go and give in. But I know I will never do it, because no matter how much it hurts, or how much I'm crying, or how hopeless I feel - I know the lie, I know the truth, and I know that it gets better, that I'm important. Sometimes I just let myself fall asleep so that I can give myself a break from the dialogue, and then wake up with even a little bit more strength.
The problem is, we all talk about how we need to help each other, how we all need to be more aware of mental illness and reach out to more people and recognize the signs. It's a problem because sometimes, there are none. It's the reason the happiest-looking people can take their own lives. We don't want people to see our pain, we just want to help other people with theirs. Some of us even think that if we fix everyone else's pain, ours will just go away or not matter --but we can't fix anyone's pain. We can recognize it, and speak to it, but we can't fix it. Why not? Because it's not ours to face. We don't know each other's past, and we can't read each other's hearts. Only me and God know my heart, and sometimes, only God knows what has to happen to heal a wound. No one else can face that devil for me, I have to be the one to resist Him, with Christ on my side.
What we can do, is speak against the lies, agree with the Spirit of Truth, and speak life into each other, and ASK each other to speak life into us (something I'm bad at, asking for help). Because then, when I'm alone late at night while everyone else is asleep and facing the devil I can recount the truth that has been spoken by God, and held up by people around me, so that it's as good as going into battle standing beside my friends.
What I hope gets through, is that being afraid or ashamed of depression is not necessary. There's nothing wrong with you, whether you've had suicidal thoughts, days where you can't get out of bed, or weeks that you've been in the grip of hopelessness. You're not wrong, you're just so important, worth SO MUCH, that there's an enemy who wants you out of the picture so badly that he's willing to take extreme measures to get rid of you. Why? Because he hates you. He hates you, and he hates every single person that you're going to help, encourage, Love, and reach out to during your lifetime. He wants you gone, distraught, caught drowning in a busy schedule, distracted because he knows how much you're worth, and he will do everything in his limited power to keep you from realizing that - because when light illuminates the darkness, the darkness must flee.
If you are suffering from depression, there are a couple of books that are just AWESOME. One of them is called "Crash the Chatterbox" by pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church (helped a lot), and another is called "Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. The second one is fiction, but it's a brilliant insight into how the enemy works, how desperate he is, the tricks he employs, and ultimately how powerless he is to prevent us from living the abundant life that Jesus died for us to have.
Please feel free to share this with friends if you think they will benefit- a lot of this might seem personal, but it's by no means 'my story'. I believe it's a story that resembles a lot of stories, so I have no problem with it being out in the open :)
Love you guys! Have an incredible week!
-B. <3