"You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You will see greater things than that." - Jesus (John 1:50)
You sit on mountaintop and stare out at the great expanse of sky around you. In that space and time, nothing matters, because you're on top of the world, at a point somewhere between the earth and sky where nothing can touch you. In that moment, you realize at some point that you have to come down.
But what if you didn't have to?
When I was growing up, I had an idea in my mind about what the pinnacle of my life would be - we all have those I think - the 'happily ever after' marriage moment, the moment where you get that job or get into that program that, until it happens, we spend every moment of our lives dreaming about...that trip or excursion or hike that we put on a pedestal as something we want to aspire towards....
...dreaming, in other words. We live for it, we plan for it, and we spend our whole lives chasing after our ideas of what it could look like.
I was going to be a Scientist, AND an artist.It didn't matter to me growing up that they were separate things. I was going to change the world - not because it would make me money, or make me famous, or preserve my name, or improve my reputation - I wanted to change the world to see it improve. I didn't think about the how, or any of the details, I just decided it would be a thing. The only way I knew how to pursue that was to go to school and learn how to be what I wanted to be. When I finished, I knew I didn't want to be a scientist...at least not in the way that I'd been trained. And when I left, having finished my degree, I instead pursued the other path that I loved so much: the art path. I put aside my dream of becoming a scientist, because I figured there was no way I could be the one that I wanted to be - sometimes the world isn't ready for what we're offering. I didn't fit the mold, so I tossed the dream aside and moved on to a different one.
The dream I moved on to pursue was big, and complicated, and that was how I figured I knew it was right. I wanted to build this big art studio, and teach kids. I worked at an art studio, and as a Paint nite instructor, and I LOVED being creative and doing my own art. I loved making things for people, encouraging them with my creativity. So much so, that when I decided to go to Peru last year, I quit my job and left thinking that God would give me vision and opportunity to pursue that dream further...but I was wrong.
The past year has been one of serious confusion. I figured that I had worked out God's plan for my life, and that it would be smooth sailing. But at each and every step that I thought I was at the top of the mountain He would say to me, "You will see greater things than these."
I never understood that phrase. In the Bible when Jesus says that to Nathanael, He says it in response to praise. Jesus reveals that He knows Nathanael better than Nathanael had ever imagined, and Nathanael responds in awe. Jesus only responds with "You like that? You'll see cooler things, bigger things, GREATER things than that"...because He had better things for us than we could ever have imagined.
When I came back here, I imagined that I would get right into the art scene and start teaching, and I would build something great. I did NOT imagine that my passion for it would die a hard death; that I would stop painting and writing and drawing and teaching altogether, and lose my motivation for any of it.
This might sound pathetic, because anybody knows that once you lose passion for something, you don't just stop doing it, you push through. But something about this was different. It wasn't depression, and it wasn't because I didn't believe I could do it anymore or because I didn't want to do it anymore. When I realized what I was feeling, and that I had felt it before when I lost my passion for my science....I became incredibly sad. I never stopped loving either of them...I just lost the 'why' factor. WHY we do things is so important, because intent decides where our heart lies in a matter. It didn't matter that David was willing to fight Goliath, it was the fact that He was so passionate about defeating the monster that was cursing his God and threatening his people.
I forgot why I cared about art, science and people. I didn't have a dream anymore, and I read somewhere that once we stop dreaming we stop hoping, and when we stop hoping, we end up being empty...and that's how I felt. I didn't know what I was reaching for, what I wanted, and it put me in a dark empty place.
But:
What if the reason we don't fit the mold, is because we weren't meant to fit in the mold?
When I lost my job, I started looking into positions in the science field. And surprisingly, I started to feel sparks. They weren't explosive bursts of passion, but crackles of excitement that you feel when you stumble into something that you forgot you loved. Of course, I proceeded with caution because I remembered how I had been excited before, and when I lived my 'dream', I realized it wasn't for me. But something was different about it. It wasn't the research that excited me, or the prospect of getting back into academics. I didn't care to climb a ladder, or go back to school. I just remembered when I was a little girl who loved learning things, growing crystals, learning the constellations, building a double helix for a science fair project in third grade. The girl who loved bugs and put them under a microscope, who loved school because she loved learning - not because it was going to provide a future for her.
I remembered her, and by remembering what she loved, I figured out where the crackles of excitement were coming from: they came from a place where a little girl loved to see and take part in the things God had made, to be in awe and wonder as He reveals the things that He's done....and I didn't even really know Him until I was in my 20s.
I got so caught up in what to do with my life that I forgot that He's been leading me into amazing things the entire time. It was never about figuring out what to do with my art, or what to do with my degree, or my science background...He just wanted me to embrace all of the beautiful things He's filled my life with, to pursue them, and to do my very best and put my whole heart into them and let Him decide what comes out of it. He can use everything, which means that everything I have is enough to move mountains - I've seen it (not actual mountains, obviously).
So what's my point?
Dreams are given to us, but they're also a part of us; rooted in the very essence of who we are. We decide what we're going to pursue and how committed we are to seeing fruit come of it, but we can't run from the things that we want deep in our hearts. The good news, is that God is the one who searches our hearts and knows what it is we want so badly. He knows us so well that He knows exactly where to put us...unfortunately for us in the moment, sometimes the reason we don't fit is because He wants us to grow to realize He wants us to break the mold and make it new - and that's super uncomfortable.
For me, if I hadn't realized I hated the system I would never had moved on to realize how much I loved teaching people and creating things - I would have grown up missing half of me. And if I had continued on to build my big fancy art studio, I would absolutely have helped people, because that's what I live for. But I would have lived the rest of my life missing the other half of me - the half that loves searching things out, discovering the new things God is revealing in nature. And without either of those parts of me, I wouldn't be complete.
God wants to make you whole. He already created you to be who He wanted you to be, sometimes that just gets lost or hidden beneath the weight of the world and the circumstances we grow up under. But He still sees it, and there's nothing you can do to hide it from Him. He sees it, and He loves you, and He longs (more than anything) to make you understand how whole you are - just as you. It takes a lot of stripping down, but when you get to see that He wants you to just be you, there's SO MUCH FREEDOM that you get to live in.
For me, it means I'm enough. That I don't have to impress a guy that I care about, or stress about finding the right job, I work hard because that's who I love to be, what I love to do - no matter what I'm working at or who I'm working for. I tell people about Jesus because I love Him more than anyone, and so He naturally just falls into conversation the way any other loved one does. I pursue people because that's what I do, I love hard and I don't worry about them returning the favor. That's Freedom friends. It's not everyday that I feel it, or walk in it, but I live in it! And there's nothing I can do to get out of it....and once you embrace it, neither will you.
For he whom the Son sets free, is free indeed :)
Love you guys!
-B. <3