"Forget the former things....Behold, I am doing a new thing; even now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?"
A year. A YEAR....it's been a year since I got back from Peru. Everyday my Facebook memories remind me what I did on such-and-such a day, and it's been driving me a little nostalgic! Today for example, was the day before I headed into the Amazon Jungle...pretty tough to beat that. I honestly can't believe it's already been a year, but on the other hand it feels like it's been eons longer - like a totally different lifetime...time is weird that way.
For transparency's sake, I should say that these past couple of months have been extremely difficult for me to navigate emotionally. I think that happens when we get so high, and then have to spend the rest of our lives comparing the moments in our lives to see if we're actually moving forward or not.
How do we move forward, from something that we remember with such fondness into something we fear or feel uncertain about? I spent my life planning for my future life, and when I left for Peru it was me releasing the reigns and venturing off into the unknown - the unknown that I've been walking in ever since. It's been a weird year, in that it's been probably the most difficult, tedious season of my life yet all I feel towards it is joy and calm. Of course, that isn't how I felt about it throughout the season, but I feel like because it's been totally led by Spirit, I'm completely satisfied with where it's left me. I had all these goals for where I would be now, and exactly ONE of them has been accomplished: I feel free. Not only free from sin, or in terms of my rights and civil liberties, but as one who has authority - not mine, mind you, but His. There's a part in the Bible that is quoted frequently from Proverbs "He shall direct your path", and another, "the LORD establishes [our] footsteps". I don't think it's possible to really understand that until you've moved with 100% of your heart into something that is 0% certain and seen Him deliver you to the thing you KNOW is 100% right but that you couldn't have imagined prior to actually getting there. Every day, I have to actively remember that my memories of what He's done and where I've been are only a fraction as great as what He's doing now, especially when I can't see it until it's past.
In this day and age, everyone wants to travel and see ALL THE THINGS. And I saw a LOT of things. But do you know, the only things I actually remember with perfect clarity are moments - not sights, or sounds, or smells (mind you, the smell thing is hard to forget completely, not saying that's a good thing) - but moments. Like the man I met 2 days into my trip that I sat with on the street; I remember the gaze when he just looked at me, I can feel the burning of his eyes into mine. The gaze probably lasted a total of 2 seconds, and yet I'm convinced I'll remember it forever. I remember the feeling of majesty, standing in the midst of mountains that looked as if they had no top and no bottom, because the clouds hid both. I remember the bubbling joy, standing in the waterfall at Machu Picchu, totally alone, skipping along the path like an idiot just giggling away. I remember the smile on Harold's face, just a Peruvian selling jewelry on the street, after I prayed for him when he repeated "In the name of Jesus!", and the private conversations in a hotel with Mama Linda and Deanna, sharing our stories and praying for each other, people I'd only known for a few days.
I've found that when God makes a connection, He seals it with a moment; a moment to define the thing He's doing. When I think of pure, untainted, beautiful joy I see moments where I felt the uncontrollable giggling just bubble out of me: puddle-jumping in a thunderstorm, chilling by a waterfall, driving in my car, out on the water. When I think of peace that surpasses understanding I see moments where I felt it, after having cried hysterically in my car for an hour, the quieting of my heart to hear His voice more clearly than I have otherwise. The moments are always random, so there's nothing to cause it other than God just sealing the connection...He's so faithful.
In other news, the pieces are coming together. Slowly, with a lot of mystery and still a lot of waiting, He's bringing things together. I love so much that Jesus calls us to move on from the things He did towards the things He's doing, because it's easy to get stuck loving what He's done in the past - it never ceases to be amazing - but there is so much more that He's doing even now that if we linger too long in what He's done, we'll miss giving Him the glory for what He's actively doing now. Hindsight is 20/20, but how beautiful is it when we can give him glory in the moments we can't see yet out of the confidence we have that He's bringing all of His work to completion!? Weird concept, a little bigger than my brain can grasp, but beautiful :)
Practicing gratitude, holding to and continuing to seek out the joys of your heart, searching for your own heart in the context of His...that's how we find freedom, and once we find it, there isn't a soul in heaven or on earth that can take it away from us! That's when we can walk in boldness.
Love you guys!
-B. <3